Some days I just want to HATE You. My therapist says that it's ok for me to hate You, that You understand, that it's just one part of me that hates you. I think there is far more than just one part, but we'll go with that for now. As I write this, I wonder "why am I wasting my breath talking to a God who's already chosen to let me be abused?" It's in the past. You certainly can't change Your choices now. You think You made the right choice. The only choice. Did You ever consider what Your choices would mean for me? Did You even think about me?

Why would You let me be born to a family who would seven years later give me away? They didn't want me. You let them turn me away. For what? To be abused sexually for the rest of my life? How can You say You couldn't stop the abuse? You are God, Creator of the Universe. You could do anything You wanted to. You could have stepped in and said, "No! You will not hurt her!" But no. You let all those people do whatever they wanted to me.

You made me have DID. How cruel to give me something to make the pain of knowing go away only to take it back when I'm an adult. This is ruining my life, my relationships, my trust. At the best point in my life, when all was going so well, BAM! You dropped DID in my lap like a bomb. I became a plague. No one would touch me for fear I would transfer the plague onto them. I became a leper.

How could You stand by and watch as Your own kids destroyed what little I had left of me? They crucified me. They said I wasn't one of Yours. I didn't belong. I wasn't wanted. I wasn't saved. I became something so evil that one woman ran in panic as I reached out to touch her newborn baby.

If this is how You show Your love for me, then I want no part of You. You can take Your Christianity and shove it!

My therapist wants me to see Jesus as I remember my past. I don't see the point. He's controlled by You! He wouldn't lift a finger to help me either. He was there with me in the room as it all took place. So what?! He did nothing to help me.

Even today as I cry out in physical pain, You do nothing to help. The parts inside seem to hold all the cards, not You. Are You even real? Do You really exist? Maybe You are nothing more than a fantasy that I use to have someone to talk to, to cry to, and to yell at. Maybe You are nothing more than an illusion to a better place. Some kind of hope. Surely if You were real You wouldn't stand by as innocent babies are being raped by their own biological fathers!

I hate You so much! I do! So why do I continue to cry out to You for help, support, hope...Why do I NEED You so much? Why must I continue to try and live a good and moral life? Is there really any hope in You? Does a better life really exist for me? Is it possible for me to live happy, healed, saved?

Your kids told me I wasn't saved. They said I was a waste of time. Do You feel the same way? Will I ever be worthy of Your time? How can I expect You to love me when I just seem to hate You these days?

Can You hear the little ones cry out to You? They love You. They haven't given up on You. They believe You are real. They believe that one day You will save them from their torment. They have confidence that one day they will sit on Your lap and You will cry with them. You will tell them how sorry You are and how much You loved them and wanted to save them. They will pardon You and forgive You. But they are children. They don't know any better. They won't hold it against You that You stood by and let them be abandoned, rejected, abused, and left behind by those who were supposed to love them forever.

Why must I feel guilty as I spew out my anger, hatred, and contempt for You? Why must I feel like I am the one in the wrong? I was the child! I had no way to protect myself against those people You put in charge of me! You were in charge. You made the decisions that brought pain into my life. You allowed it to happen!

I did nothing wrong! I didn't make those people hurt me! I was the child! This is not my fault. So why am I the only one suffering? What about the abusers? Why do they get to walk around free as they live their lives as though nothing ever happened. Like they did nothing wrong? They have locked me up in this prison we call a MIND and they walk around freely. Why must I continue to pay for the sins they committed against me? It isn't fair!

I hate You for not making them pay! I hate You for locking me up! I hate You for not taking away my pain! I hate You for letting Your own kids destroy what relationship I did have with You.

I loved You. I cleaved to You. I prayed. I begged. I cried out to You every hour of every day and You turned Your back to me. I must not belong to You. Your kids must have spoken the truth. Surely You would have helped one of Your own.

How do I become one of Your own? You say, "Whoever calls on My name shall be saved." But that can't be true because I call on Your name constantly!

My therapist says You are a parent, like me. She asks me, "If your child said 'I hate you!' would you still love her?" Of course I wouldn't! She says You are the same way. She says You do love me. You say, "My sheep will know My voice." This proves You don't love me because You don't speak to me. Anymore. You used to. When I was at The Church. Before Your kids deemed me unsavable. Maybe You agreed with them. Maybe You're not worth my hatred. Maybe You have turned a deaf ear to me long ago. Maybe I don't deserve Your ear...

Am I unsavable? GPIC